Is it customary where you live for a person to choose his or her own marriage mate? If so, how should you proceed if you find someone of the opposite sex attractive? First, ask yourself, ‘Is marriage really my intention?’ It is cruel to play with another person’s emotions by raising false expectations. (Proverbs 13:12) Then, ask yourself, ‘Am I in a position to get married?’ If the answer to both questions is positive, the steps you take next will vary depending on local custom.
In some lands, after observing for a while, you might approach the person and express a desire to get better acquainted. If the response is negative, do not persist to the point of being objectionable. Remember, the other person also has a right to make a decision in the matter. If, however, the response is positive, you may arrange to spend time together in wholesome activities. This will give you an opportunity to see whether marriage to this person would be wise. What should you look for at this stage?
To answer that question, imagine two musical instruments, perhaps a piano and a guitar. If they are correctly tuned, either one can produce beautiful solo music. Yet, what happens if these instruments are played together? Now they must be in tune with each other. It is similar with you and a prospective mate. Each of you may have worked hard to “tune” your personality traits as individuals. But the question now is: Are you in tune with each other? In other words, are you compatible?
It is important that both of you have common beliefs and principles. The apostle Paul wrote: “Do not become unevenly yoked with unbelievers.” (2 Corinthians 6:14; 1 Corinthians 7:39) Marriage to someone who does not share your faith in God makes it more likely that there will be severe disharmony. On the other hand, a mutual devotion to Jehovah God is the strongest basis for unity. Jehovah wants you to be happy and to enjoy the closest possible bond with the person you marry. He wants you to be bound to Him and to each other by a threefold bond of love.—Ecclesiastes 4:12.
While worshiping God together is the most important aspect of unity, more is involved. To be attuned to each other, you and your prospective mate should have similar goals. What are your goals? For example, how do you both feel about having children? What things have the first place in your life? (Matthew 6:33) In a truly successful marriage, the couple are good friends and enjoy each other’s company. (Proverbs 17:17) For this, they need to have interests in common.
It is difficult to sustain a close friendship—much less a marriage—when this is not the case. Still, if your prospective partner enjoys a particular activity, such as hiking, and you do not, does that mean that the two of you should not get married? Not necessarily. Perhaps you share other, more important interests. Moreover, you might give happiness to your prospective partner by sharing in wholesome activities because the other person enjoys them.—Acts 20:35.
Indeed, to a large degree, compatibility is determined by how adaptable both of you are rather than by how identical you are. Instead of asking, “Do we agree on everything?” some better questions might be: “What happens when we disagree? Can we discuss matters calmly, according each other respect and dignity? Or do discussions often deteriorate into heated arguments?” (Ephesians 4:29, 31) If you want to get married, be wary of anyone who is proud and opinionated, never willing to compromise, or who constantly demands and schemes to have his or her own way.
FIND OUT BEFOREHAND
In the Christian congregation, those who are entrusted with responsibility are to be “tested as to fitness first.” (1 Timothy 3:10) You too can employ this principle. For example, a woman might ask, “What kind of reputation does this man have? Who are his friends? Does he display self-control? How does he treat elderly persons? What kind of family does he come from? How does he interact with them? What is his attitude toward money? Does he abuse alcoholic beverages? Is he temperamental, even violent? What congregation responsibilities does he have, and how does he handle them? Could I deeply respect him?”—Leviticus 19:32; Proverbs 22:29; 31:23; Ephesians 5:3-5, 33; 1 Timothy 5:8; 6:10; Titus 2:6, 7.
A man might ask, “Does this woman display love and respect for God? Is she capable of caring for a home? What will her family expect of us? Is she wise, industrious, thrifty? What does she talk about? Is she genuinely concerned about the welfare of others, or is she self-centered, a busybody? Is she trustworthy? Is she willing to submit to headship, or is she stubborn, perhaps even rebellious?”—Proverbs 31:10-31; Luke 6:45; Ephesians 5:22, 23; 1 Timothy 5:13; 1 Peter 4:15.
Do not forget that you are dealing with an imperfect descendant of Adam, not some idealized hero or heroine out of a romance novel. Everyone has shortcomings, and some of these will have to be overlooked—both yours and those of your prospective partner. (Romans 3:23; James 3:2) Further, a perceived weakness can present an opportunity to grow. For example, suppose during your courtship you have an argument. Consider: Even people who love and respect each other disagree at times. (Compare Genesis 30:2; Acts 15:39.) Could it be that both of you simply need to ‘restrain your spirit’ a little more and learn how to settle matters more peacefully? (Proverbs 25:28) Does your prospective mate show a desire to improve? Do you? Could you learn to be less sensitive, less touchy? (Ecclesiastes 7:9) Learning to resolve problems can establish a pattern of honest communication that is essential if the two of you do get married.—Colossians 3:13.
What, though, if you notice things that trouble you deeply? Such doubts should be considered carefully. However romantic you may feel or however anxious you may be to get married, do not close your eyes to serious faults. (Proverbs 22:3; Ecclesiastes 2:14) If you have a relationship with someone about whom you have serious reservations, it is wise to discontinue the relationship and to refrain from making a lasting commitment to that person.
KEEP YOUR COURTSHIP HONORABLE
How can you keep your courtship honorable? First, make sure that your moral conduct is above reproach. Where you live, is holding hands, kissing, or embracing considered appropriate behavior for unmarried couples? Even if such expressions of affection are not frowned upon, they should be allowed only when the relationship has reached a point where marriage is definitely planned. Be careful that displays of affection do not escalate into unclean conduct or even fornication. (Ephesians 4:18, 19; compare Song of Solomon 1:2; 2:6; 8:5, 9, 10.)
Because the heart is treacherous, both of you would be wise to avoid being isolated in a house, an apartment, a parked automobile, or anywhere else that would give opportunity for wrong conduct. (Jeremiah 17:9) Keeping your courtship morally clean gives clear evidence that you have self-control and that you put unselfish concern for the other person’s welfare ahead of your own desires. Most important, a clean courtship will please Jehovah God, who commands his servants to abstain from uncleanness and fornication.—Galatians 5:19-21.
Second, an honorable courtship also includes honest communication. As your courtship progresses toward marriage, certain matters will need to be discussed openly. Where will you live? Will both of you work secularly? Do you want to have children? Also, it is only fair to reveal things, perhaps in one’s past, that could affect the marriage. These may include major debts or obligations or health matters, such as any serious disease or condition you may have. Since many persons who are infected with HIV (the virus that causes AIDS) show no immediate symptoms, it would not be wrong for an individual or for caring parents to request an AIDS blood test of one who has in the past engaged in sexual promiscuity or was an intravenous drug user. If the test proves positive, the infected person should not pressure the intended mate to continue the relationship if that one now wishes to terminate it. Really, anyone who has engaged in a high-risk life-style would do well to submit voluntarily to an AIDS blood test before beginning a courtship.
LOOKING BEYOND THE WEDDING
Remember that your wedding lasts just one day, but your marriage lasts a lifetime. Avoid concentrating too much on the act of getting married. Instead, look to Jehovah God for guidance, and plan ahead for a life of being married. Then you will have prepared well for a successful marriage.
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